I've been wanting to write bits of my heart and I hope that I can express what I feel into words as I type.  

My husband and I recently went through a battle in our marriage.  During that time my friend's husband said something to me that just shook something inside me.  He said "At the end - the wise woman wins - always".  I thought I was loosing the battle, so I felt as though he was judging me, you know - saying that I'm foolish or something.  Or that's how I felt.  I felt that if I was a "wise" wife that the bible talks about- you know that verse from Proverbs 14:1- "The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down" - then I would not be in this situation. I would be living in bliss, serving my husband and just radiating that wisdom. sigh.  And so I felt every church going, perfect marriage types, were judging me.  

Any how.  The enemy wants us to think that way.  But we are all broken people that need each other. so whatever.  I'm winning anyways. 

I started to think more what my friend had said about winning at the end.  I started to press into the Lord with my brokenness, sadness, and realness.  I started to invite the Holy Spirit into these "fights" I was having with my husband.   

During those moments I would cry in my lonesome and ask the Lord why He's not helping me win.  I mean, honestly, I was in the right and my husband was in the wrong.... So, I fought Vlad head on, in full armor, with mighty battle cries.  At the end of the night I was exhausted and losing bad.  

 I pressed into the Lord.  Still thinking I was in the right and Vladimir was in the wrong.  Then Ephesians 6:12 became so clear to me! I was fighting the wrong enemy! Wearing the wrong armor! 

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. " Ephesians 6:10-18

I was naked in the battle! I had not put on the full Armor of the Lord. (Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes Ephesians 6:11) I wasn't prepared or able to fight the real enemy. 

 I was fighting Vlad like he was my enemy.  Therefore I was fighting myself - you guys! If my body is my husband and my husbands is mine, and two become one, then I was fighting my self .  No wonder I was so miserable.  I took a daily beating, emotionally - by my own doing.  Goodness gracious.  And sure, my husband was spiraling down hill, and I wanted to stop him, wanted to control that situation so much.  We were stuck in a hamster wheel .  I blamed my husband and nagged about addictions and he would get worse and worse, blamed me for being a nagging wife.  He threw that one bible verse at me all the time, the one that says something like; better to live on the corner of a roof then with a nagging wife... sigh.  I did not take that well.  We were stuck fighting in the flesh, fighting each other! Instead of coming together and fighting the "rulers, authorities in the heavenly realm".  We were blind to the devil's schemes. My goodness, who's not.? 

My husband was gone for a few months.  During that time of uncertainty, I came running to the Lord.  goodness - submitting all that pent up control issue, and learning to fight the real enemy. Learning who the real enemy was.  its not Vlad, and its not me. Its the spiritual, demonic attacks on our marriage.   I started to tell Anxiety, Stress, Alcoholism, Addictions, Fear, Anger (me) to leave in the name of Jesus, by the authority I was given on the Cross by my Jesus.  I would say it out load "devil, you will not win my husband and you will not win my marriage". There is so much power in words, so instead of fighting my husband with them, I fought the real enemy.  everyday. 

  I started to study and learning to put on the armor of the Lord daily ( Ephesians 6:10-18). I began to fall deeply in love with the Lord. To completely trust Him and what he is doing in my life.  That beauty will come from ashes in our marriage.  I began to see hope and future (Jeremiah 21:11).  I began to see who Vlad and I are in the eyes of the Lord and I love those people.  I want to be those people.  I pushed the temptation of blaming Vlad and seeking to belittle him and call him out on his wrong, but to focus on me.  Focus on my relationship with the Lord.  Making him my number one.  Just pursuing the Lord with out the agenda of getting my husband on the right path.  It is getting me on the right path.  It's getting me healed. And seeking Jesus and finding Him in all things.  Because He really is everywhere.  I just needed this season of sifting and molding to see Him clearer.  any ways... 

I know struggles will come.  With wisdom that I have gained from my failures, I will continue winning. 

"At the End a Wise Woman Wins - Always"  David S.  (thanks for that reminder friend)