Happy fourteen years of being married to us. 

I realize that all marriages fall under pressure. Some fall and shatter because of it, and some only get stronger. I feel we are somewhere in between. Or in the middle of it all. Which way will it go? 

Fourteen years... I won't lie and say that it's been hard our entire marriage. We got married fast and lived secluded from family for nine years. We made it work. And I loved being married. I was oblivious to the struggles ahead. Thought that somehow I won the marriage lottery. We had so much fun together, so much in common. We didn't struggle financially, and were very content in our small house that has a very tiny mortgage payment. We did everything together and only disagreed in a few areas that now are the big issues we our marriage. Instead of getting rid of that garbage, we swept it under the rug and over time those tiny issues became the mountains that we cannot move with out the help of the Lord.  

a few years into our marriage, I remember walking on the beach in Venice, FL and talking about a couple we knew that was struggling to make their marriage work. That day I judged them. I remember saying, "man, we are so strong in our relationship, we will never fall to that silliness, how can they say they love each other if they cant even make it through that".  I remember thinking that in a way we are better than everyone. That our marriage is solid and nothing could shake it. But, I didn't know the depth of it. In that moment I opened the door for troubles I was not prepared for.  

My husband struggled with addictions and kept it from me, if I came close to finding out what his struggles really were, he would lie. Those lies built up and created a monster. A monster I am trying to fight to win back my husband. Or is he turning into the thing that is trying to destroy his life? 

I'm writing this because I know and believe there is a testimony to come. But, being in the middle of the struggle, it's very hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. There are days that I literally feel like I'm choking from the anxiety attacks and feelings of hopelessness. I find myself crying for mercy form the Lord as David did in so many of the Psalm. 

Psalm 56:3-4 3When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. 4In God, whose word I praise- in God I trust and am not afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?

Psalm 4:1 1Answer me when I call to you, my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; have mercy on me and hear my prayer.

Psalm 5:2-3 2Hear my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray. 3In the morning, LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly

Psalm 51:8-12 8Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice. 9Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity. 10Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. 11Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. 12Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

So many...

That is my hope. The hope in the Lord. That he loves my husband and wants him to be better. He wants our marriage to thrive and He wants to see us whole. Those are His promises. They are all over the Word and He is a promise keeper. 

One day I will write a post of praise. And really celebrate an anniversary that is about restoration and joy.

You know, when I think about my marriage, it's hard to remember or think of the good. The mind goes to the disappointments, hurts and struggles. sigh...

Today, I choose to remember the good and hope for those good things to resurrect in our marriage. To take the struggles and build on them. not fight each other, but fight this thing that is after our marriage together. 

I'm focusing on myself for now. Daily I find renewed hope and strength in the word of God. He is a good, good Father who gives good gifts and I know marriage is a good, good gift. It's the people involved that need a bit of grace. A reminder of who they really are. To choose life and life abundant as the Lord promises. To choose joy.